Avainsana: matka

I’m sad

I feel nothing but some random feelings. Sensations.

Maybe I should write them down, what’s really happening in my mind and body. (One day I can remember all this as a distant memory.)

I’ll try. I’m sad. I’m in pain. I’m not happy. I’m trying. So hard. I’m empty. I’m not empty. I’m comprehensively tired. My every cell is tired, tumbled and out of balance. I’m out of balance. I’m tumbled. How could it be in other way in this situation? It can’t be in other way.

I just have to wait.

My body is tired. It’s in pain too. A little bit of pain but in every spot. It feels really awful. It feels like I’m not here, but I’m not there neither. There is a place in my head where is nothing. It feels really weird. And a place where is everything. It feels really weird too.

I just have to wait.

I have pain in my head, hands and feet. Maybe I should move them more. I’ll have to swim more. My worries away. Oh. I need a swimsuit. A good one. I need to go to Helsinki. And meet my friend there also. We can go to coffeehouse together.

I just want to be happy in my own soul, mind and body. Or that is what I have said to myself. Maybe that is not the goal. Maybe the goal is to feel. Maybe the goal is to feel everything. And be in the present when you can do it. When you are free with yourself. When you have a balance. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced what being present is. Or maybe before 2015. But that year was almost 10 years ago. Crazy stuff.

Maybe happiness is the result of facing each emotion as it is. I need a lot of therapy. And I really want to be in therapy. I think it’s the point here right now.

Follow your passion. But where is it? My passion is in me. It’s just hiding! It can’t be gone. It’s built-in. It’s in me so it will find it’s way to me back.

I’ll be back.

(You can read this when you feel good! Then you appreciate that you are not in pain in your body or mind anymore! And that if what is worth waiting. Oh, don’t wait, do your job but remember to rest and you’ll be fine!)

This is deep stuff. This is dug deep. This is what is revealed when you listen to sad songs a long time and try to think carefully about what you feel. It’s scary tho. But maybe it’s necessary. To feel things. And maybe to be scared too. I’m brave. I’m wonderful and I deserve all the good things. Yeap. End of story.